Welcome to the BookishTV broadcast of the 75th Annual Fictional Olympic Games! We’ve got all your favorite sports that don’t exist right here on our channels. The competition is fierce as these athletes fight for gold and glory. Let’s tune in now to today’s match-ups…
Stan: Dave, this has been the best Quidditch match on record since the first known game at Queerditch Marsh in 1050.
Dave: It certainly is a great match. And the USA’s three Chasers have control of the Quaffle… they’re flying up the field… Chaser Smith approaches the three hoops… he takes aim at the left… AND HE SCORES!!! Ten points to the USA!
Stan: Splendid effort by the Spanish Keeper, just an inch too short. That makes the score USA: 310, Spain: 150. Even if the Spanish Seeker were to grab the Snitch, its 150 points would still leave Spain 10 points down.
Dave: It couldn’t have helped that Spain’s Keeper was distracted by a Bludger. I guess one can never get over the fear of getting hit by a ball made of iron.
Welcome back to Calvinball, where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.
I’m Scott, and I’ll be guiding you through this always-random game. But first, we turn to Grammy Award winner Justin Timberlake for the official Calvinball song.
Other kids’ games are all such a bore!
They’ve gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
Calvinball is better by far!
It’s never the same! It’s always bizarre!
You don’t need a team or a referee!
You know that it’s great, ’cause it’s named after Calvin!
And he nailed it! Only Calvin himself could have done better. Speaking of, listen to that crowd go wild as Calvin and Hobbes take the field wearing the traditional black masks, the only thing you can count on to be consistent in this game. Calvin is holding a cardboard box filled with eggs, while Hobbes is equipped with a frying pan and riding a horse. As with all Calvinball games, this promises to be unlike any other match we have ever seen…
Lesley: James, the fans are going wild from here in the stands. Obviously, they can’t see into the field because the Brockian Ultra-Cricket Wall has been put up. The fans are quite riled up at missing what must be the most dramatic game of the century. But, they’re throwing plenty of tools over to assist the players. I’ve seen bats, rackets, and even a speed boat go onto the field. Can you give us any insight from the inside?
James: Well, as you can imagine, at this point all players have grown a third leg and the best player from each team has been cloned. The Brazilian team has had six hits so far and the Chinese team has three. The Brazilian cloned-player has been only hitting non-cloned players, which is not the most honorable of plays, but she certainly follows the rules. She hits clean, runs away, and her apologies are super concise and clear. There has been a lot of contesting on hits due to the language barrier though so if anyone in the crowd has Babel Fish translators it might be best to throw them over!
Mike: We return now to what has become a very intense game of Eschaton. Can you give us some idea of what is going on there, Tina?
Tina: It is absolute pandemonium down here on the tennis courts. The Game Master has put on his red beanie, which signifies Utter Global Crisis. All the nations on the map are lobbing their arsenals of five-megaton thermonuclear warheads, which are represented by those tennis balls. This has led to calculations of severe damage in all parts and many SACPOPs—Strikes Against Civilian Populations.
Mike: Is there any way of knowing who is in the lead?
Tina: Well, there are obviously clear advantages to American allegiance AMNAT and SOVWAR, the Russian allegiance, due to their larger arsenals. But INDPAK, a Muslim state, has made great strategic moves with MIRVs—Multiple Independent Reentry Vehicles—to stay in this game.
It’s tradition versus innovation at the podracing track today, folks. Here they come around the bend—the best podracer in the galaxy, and a human from New Zealand. Neck and neck still!
This has been one tight race, one that is a rare privilege to witness live. The Coruscant pilot’s podracer is an older style with an internal combustion engine, while the New Zealander’s has a rocket motor.
They’re nearing the home stretch and she’s still giving him a run for his money—his title, even! It’s anybody’s race at this point and… and they’re colliding! The two frontrunners have collided and knocked out each other’s repulsorlifts—they’re falling to the ground! Oh, what a disappointing end for both of these talented racers.
The player is taking the softball and resting it on his fist. He winds up… swings his arm… and clobbers the ball! He passes first… rounds second… and he is on his way home… and he… gets pegged… Oh God, steps from home and the opposing team gets the out! What a game changer!
This is German Batball’s first appearance at these games and it’s been really interesting to see the effects of Earth’s atmosphere on the game, which is usually played on Mars. You know, Winston Niles Rumford, the founder of the Mars Colony, once said, “I am at a loss to understand why German Batball is not an event, possibly a key event, in the Olympic Games.” I guess, his dreams have finally been realized.
So ends our broadcast. While you may not be able to play these sports in your everyday life, enthused readers have adapted Quidditch and Eschaton for the non-fiction world. Keep reading and keep playing—maybe one day you’ll be up on that podium!