Literary Matchmaker

Literary Matchmaker

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In 1965, an I.B.M. programmer invented TACT (Technical Automated Compatibility Testing) and introduced New York City to online dating. 48 years later the practice is more popular than ever, but for those times when OkCupid leaves you feeling like you’re in an episode of Catfish, you can always turn to literature. Find your perfect match in these 10 dating profiles from our favorite fictional characters.

Literary-Matchmaker


Warm-Bodies-book-cover

Name: R
Username: DrowninginEllipses
Age:
?
Body Type:
Decomposing
Looking For:
A girl with a good brain
My past relationships:
Are foggy
On a typical Friday night I am:
Hanging in the airport bar
Favorite memory:
Um…this one time Julie and I..oh no wait, that’s not mine. Can I use someone else’s?
Motto: Humans are friends, not food
Favorite book:
Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion


Great Expectations book cover

Miss Havisham

Name: Miss Havisham
Username: Twenty2Nine
Body Type: Very thin
Looking For: Revenge….I mean romance, definitely romance
My spirit animal is: An elephant, I never forget
Is all fair in love and war: Of course, darling, and I play to win
Do you believe in love at first sight: Love is a sham
I’d describe my personal style as: Classic. I wear a lot of white
If you were late for a date I’d: Likely still not be there, none of my clocks work
Favorite book: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens


Fight Club book cover

Tyler Durden

Name: Tyler Durden
Username: MasterofMayhem
Age: Don’t stick me in your demographic
Occupation: I work mostly night jobs. But I am not my job
Hobbies: Making soap out of the drained human fat from liposuctions and taking down the pillars of consumerism
Looking for: Someone to bring down the system with me. Someone to defy the social order with.
On a typical Friday night I am: I can’t talk about it
Favorite book: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk


Gone With the Wind book cover

Katie Scarlet O’Hara

Name: Katie Scarlet O’Hara
Username: PlantationPrincess36
Age: As if a lady ever tells
Looking For: A husband, I wish to Heaven I was married
You should message me if: You’re looking to spoil someone
My spirit animal is: A cat, claws intact
Your favorite place on earth: Tara
Where I’d like to go on a first date: Dear, I don’t give a damn….As long as we make enough of a fuss going out that all the neighbors see us, especially that Ashley
Motto: Tomorrow is another day
Likes: Money, unique dresses, not wearing a corset
Dislikes: Not getting my way
Favorite book: Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone book cover

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Name: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Username: LemonDrop
Age: Alas, even I have lost count
Looking For: A wizard with a ready mind and a love of chamber music
My last relationship: Ended quite tragically I’m afraid. Gellert belonged in prison.
On our first date, remind me to tell you the story about: My brother and his fascination with goats
How long is your wand: 15in. As my good friend Garrick Ollivander likes to say, the wand chooses the wizard…and for good reason
Favorite book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K.Rowling


The Fortunes and Misfortunes of the Famous Moll Flanders book cover

Moll Flanders

Name: Moll Flanders
Username: FreeWheelinFlanders
Looking for: A good time
Past relationships: How long do you have?
Occupation: Heartbreaker, man-eater, part-time thief
On our first date, remind me to tell you the story about: The time I married my brother, it’s hilarious—we’re on good terms, he still has custody of the kids
Children: Quite a few, they’re around here somewhere
Message me if: You like your women independent, clever, and a bit controlling
Religion: I was married to a Roman Catholic once
Most private thing I’m willing to admit: If you’ve got the money, then honey, I don’t mind if you’re married
Favorite book: The Fortunes and Misfortunes of the Famous Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe


Don Juan book cover

Don Juan

Name: Don Juan
Username: DJCassanova
Age: I am timeless
Looking for: Women. Any height, build, age, and complexion. It is in my nature to yield to whatever bewitches my eye.
My past relationships: I have “married” many women. I have been on the wrong end of many angry relative’s knives, but that is all part of the excitement of love. Then there was that time with the statue…
Religion: I don’t believe in heaven, or hell, or werewolves.
On a first date I will take you: To bed…I mean, to the ends of the earth or any other place my lady wishes!
Favorite book: Don Juan by Moliere


Mary Poppins book cover

Mary Poppins

Name: Mary Poppins
Username: SpoonfullaSugar34
Age: It is most certainly not proper to ask this of a lady
Occupation: Nanny
My personality is best described as: Practically perfect in every way
Looking For: A man who knows what is proper, loves children, and is not afraid of heights or a bit of wimsy
On a typical Friday night I am: With the children of course. Perhaps having tea parties on the ceiling with Mr. Wigg
What to say to break the ice: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Favorite book: Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers


Sherlock Holmes book cover

Sherlock Holmes

Name: Sherlock Holmes
Username: BrilliantDeducer87
Age: Many years have passed since my birth. It is easy to tell that I am not very young but I am not yet ancient
Occupation: Consulting detective, only one in the world
Important things to know about me: I have a great mind which is able to draw conclusions most simply cannot. To them it is amazing; to me it is elementary. I also smoke from a pipe and use cocaine, much to my dear friend Watson’s displeasure.
Looking For: A companion of mine would need to be particularly self-sufficient. I am a man of solitude and my work could have me occupied for many hours. I would like someone with a high level of intellect so as not to bore me—a level surpassing mine would be impossible.
On our first date, remind me to tell you the story about: How I faked my death. It was a great accomplishment. Even Watson was fooled.
Favorite book: Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


Anna Karenina book cover

Anna Karenina

Name: Anna Arkadyevna Karenina
Username: AdultrousAnna77
Looking for: Strictly Friendship, I have enough on my plate
Where I’d like to go on a first date: Anywhere but the art museum
Children: A son who lives with my ex
Favorite Authors: Virginia Woolf. I love how she evokes emotion and her stream-of-consciousness style
Currently I’m: Traveling, trying to meet new people
To me love: I dislike the word, it means too much for me, far more than you can understand
Best attributes: My beauty shines like the sun
Dislikes: Social hierarchy
Favorite book: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy


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This article originally appeared on Zola Books.

Kelly Gallucci
Far too busy rereading the Harry Potter series, Kelly finds that her greatest literary sin is that she neglected to read classics like The Shining and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. In between overseeing the editorial content for Bookish, holding interviews with authors like Leigh Bardugo and Victoria Schwab, and creating book recommendations for Kanye West—Kelly’s trying to catch up on the books she missed out on. She just finished The Great Gatsby and might be in love with Fitzg. Kelly received her B.A. in English Writing from Marist College and her M.A. in Screenwriting from National University of Ireland, Galway. She is a Gryffindor.