Ah, Lit Madness. Maybe we’ve been reading too much dystopian fiction, but we can’t think of a better way to celebrate March Madness than having our favorite characters face off against each other in aHunger Games-inspired arena—all in the spirit of good fun and lively debate, of course. Check below to see if your predictions of which fiction characters make it into Round Two were right.
Drop Kalaj anywhere, and he’ll find his footing: bickering with rowdy cab passengers, teaching Harvard undergrads French, and wooing women. He’s used to being a fish out of water, no matter where his travels take him.
If coming from a mental institution isn’t intimidating enough, former war hero Chief Bromden has proven his prowess with a weapon and (through his smothering of McMurphy with a pillow) his lack of squeamishness. He’s also very good at convincing people to share their secrets.
WINNER: Chief Bromden, tired of Kalaj’s offensive and incessant chatter, clocks him in the face. Kalaj is down and out.
Gatsby doesn’t intimidate Scout, she’s faced Boo Radley and has pulled enough pranks with Jem to outsmart this drunk half-wit. Plus she’s a tomboy who’s comfortable with getting down-and-dirty in rough terrain.
The only advantage Jay Gatsby has over Scout is his ability to manipulate and charm people. However, most likely Gatsby would pay no attention to Scout, giving her a dismissive “old sport” and a pat on the head.
WINNER: Unaffected by Gatsby’s charm and wealth. Scout quickly ducks his hand when he goes to pat her head, runs between his legs, and takes him out at the knees.
Don’t let August’s pacifist ways fool you, this beekeeper is a Mama Bear at heart and that will certainly keep her fighting until the end. While Ahab is chasing his white whale, she’ll be praying to black Mary.
Ahab may just be an old sea captain who is obsessed with one particular whale, but he’s also relentless. He’s got 40 years of whaling experience, and isn’t bad with a harpoon.
WINNER: Blinded by his passion for hunting large game, Ahab makes a run for Aslan the moment the Games begin. It saves his life, though. Searching for Ahab in the forest and hungry, August attempts to harvest honey and is stung by tracker jackers.
If you think Jo hasn’t already mapped out how this encounter will go in her head, you’re crazy. Years of dreaming up—and acting in—plays make her a master of disguise, and she’s got that March temper, to boot.
Lizzie is rather judgmental, which is a great way to keep enemies from becoming false allies that will kill her. Unfortunately, this also means she has no actual allies.
WINNER: Lizzie could probably outsmart Jo in an intellectual battle, but that’s not what this is. You need scrappiness to come out on top, something Jo is very familiar with. It’s too bad: In another world, these two girls might’ve been friends.
Source: Tumblr/Lazy Sunday Afternoons
The life of a geisha isn’t easy. In order to be successful and the best, one must be sly and cunning. Chiyo is sharp, distractingly beautiful, and she easily takes down her rivals.
Eunice Park is very into social media, and is unduly enamored with material possessions, so she’s pretty easily distracted.
WINNER: Chiyo sneaks up on Eunice while she’s glued to her GlobalTeens account, using the grace ingrained in her as a geisha, and knocks her down. This dirties Eunice’s clothes and destroys heräppärät. Eunice then dies of social media withdrawal.
Considering the kind of childhood he had, you can’t pull one over on Cal Stephanides. He’s ready for anything; the work he’s put into his body ensures that he can survive in the arena for quite some time.
He may be young, but this is one 9-year-old you do not want to mess with. Oskar is nothing short of brilliant, and he’s persistent to boot. He’s also got a birdseed shirt, which will make catching this airborne savant tricky.
WINNER: As ready as he is for the Games, Cal never dreamed he’d face off against a kid—especially someone whose childhood was as traumatic as his, if not more. When Oskar flies away in his birdseed shirt, Cal does nothing to stop him—he’s ejected for refusing to participate.
Hal struggles with substance abuse and doesn’t communicate verbally very well, but this Enfield Tennis Academy grad is good with a racquet.
Anna is a socialite who can’t make friends and fears losing control—while that may seem like her downfall, it could be her greatest strength when facing down the substance-abusing Hal.
WINNER: While Hal convinces Holden to experiment with DMZ, Anna follows the two as they stumble through the forest. Taking advantage of Hal’s hallucinogenic state, she uses his racket against him.
Perhaps overly confident, it’s Holden’s disdain for humanity that could save him in this match. His cynicism keeps him on edge, but honestly he isn’t even sure if he buys into all this phony Lit Madness.
Little Bee is anything but a phony: This refugee should have perished several times over, but she claws her way out of the dehumanizing British refugee camp by learning the Queen’s English. In comparison, this arena is the kind of laughable story she’ll bring back to her village in Nigeria.
WINNER: Hal was the only friend Holden could find in the Game who wasn’t a goddamn phony. In a fit of DMZ-induced hallucinations and teen angst, Holden forfeits. Works out for Little Bee!