You guys may have heard of this book called Gone Girl. You may have even read it back in 2012 when it was all anyone could talk about. I did not.
I was probably busy rereading Harry Potter for the thousandth time and missed out on the craze. But now the movie is coming out (there’s even a brand new trailer), and people are once again talking about how fantastic it was, how shocking the twist is, and how amazed they are that I haven’t read it.
Well, now I’m reading it.
Current level of excitement for the movie:
Amy being forced to move from New York City to Missouri:
So Nick already seems kinda like an ass and Amy seems pretty nice. (She makes crepes! What’s not to love?)
When Nick feels all superior and then gets knocked down when his first customer at “The Bar” gets the “sophisticated” meta-joke:
I want to bake cookies with Amy and have her read me her personality quizzes.
The powdered sugar kiss!
Is he really complaining right now about his wife’s thoughtful treasure hunt?
Nick, why are you talking about twincest with your sister when your wife is about to go missing?
Annnnd she’s gone missing, now the fun begins.
I know there’s a twist. Can’t fool me, Flynn. This is obviously set up to make believe Nick killed her. I’m not falling for it.
It was my fifth lie to the police. I was just starting.
HE DEFINITELY DID IT
Nick, when you smile at the ground, it ain’t hard to tell you’re guilty! I want to believe you, stop doing that.
Oooh the anniversary treasure hunt! First clue, let’s go!
Geez, Nick keeps comparing himself to movies yet doesn’t see that when you ditch the cops you look guilty.
Who keeps calling Nick? An accomplice?
Um… Amy’s parents exploiting their daughter and then not managing their money and needing to take it back from her. #notcool
Why did Amy want to buy a gun? Was Nick really that scary?
im outside open the door
Is it Amy? Were they conspiring together? Why would they do that?
NICK! Shame shame shame, keep it in your pants and find your missing wife.
Desi and his mom have some creepy Flowers in the Attic-vibe going around them.
PREGNANT! PREGNANT! PREGNANT MISSING AMY!
THE SHED! Bad things happen in spooky sheds. A body? Her body?! Did she kill herself and lead him to her body?
Wait…. guys, could she have done it? Like planned it all out?
OH MY GOD SHE DID
The Cool Girl speech, a.k.a. the moment when I push my love of Diary-Amy off a cliff and fall madly in love with Crazy-Amy.
The box. Oh god. The dead baby is in the box. I just know it.
I was wrong… IS SHE EVEN PREGNANT?!
Amy faked seven years of diary entries.
Stupid stupid stupid Andie who is still thinking of herself when the guy she “loves” is in such trouble (and could be a MURDERER).
She is going to kill herself to ensure he gets the death penalty.
The pregnancy is fake! I knew it? I don’t know anything anymore.
Ooooh, she’s changing her plan. Could she slip up? I thought she was too smart for that.
Jeff and Greta!
Betsy throwing jelly beans at Nick’s face.
He’s about to interview and Sharon freaks out. What did Amy do now?! Did she reappear?!
SHE CALLED DESI?!
Did not see that one coming.
Andie called a press conference! Holy moly!
THEY FOUND THE DIARY!! Is it wrong that I believe Nick but am really excited that the police now have the diary?
That flower room, though. Desi just might be crazier than Amy.
WHHHHHHAT SHES STANDING ON HIS DOORSTEP GUYS I REPEAT SHE IS STANDING ON NICK’S DOORSTEP WHAT HOW WHY WHAT WHAT WHAT
Did she actually just kill Desi?
She totally killed Desi.
GUYS, what happened to Desi?
She can EXPLAIN? I doubt it. Where’s the popcorn? This will surely be entertaining watching her try.
SHE CUT HIS JUGULAR WTF
Jacqueline Collings throwing down!
When Amy says: You have to admit, it’s pretty brilliant.
Oh. My. God. His hands are on her neck!!
Okay. Calm down. He’s sending her to prison. Whew. I really thought he’d just stay with her for a second there…
This twisted chick is writing her own Amazing Amy book.
And Nick is attempting to secretly write a counter book to outsmart her.
You can’t play on her level, Nick.
She’s actually pregnant?! Did he sleep with that psychopath?
Nope. Nope. She stole her pregnant friend’s pee. Oh oh oh.
Oh god, he’s trapped. He can’t leave now; he just has to stay with her and pretend to be perfect and hope she never decides to kill him in his sleep…
Amy is out of her mind… and I kinda completely love it.
Current level of excitement for the movie: