A Check-Up With Dr. Ozzy Osbourne

A Check-Up With Dr. Ozzy Osbourne

That’s right–the Prince of Darkness has a new book, “Trust Me: I’m Dr. Ozzy: Advice from Rock’s Ultimate Survivor,” offering medical advice (based on his popular “Rolling Stone” column on the same topic). Dr. Ozzy talked to Bookish about the cures for what ails us, and why we should listen to a guy who’s eaten a bat.

Bookish: What do you have to offer for medical advice-seekers that doctors are unable to provide?
Ozzy Osbourne: I have no idea. The whole thing blows my mind, to be honest with you. I’m Ozzy Osbourne, for fuck’s sake! People just seem to think they can ask me anything — especially stuff they think is too embarrassing to ask their real doctor. That’s why my advice is often just, y’know, “Go to a real doctor!” Doctors have seen everything. You can’t shock ’em any more than you can shock the Prince of Darkness.

Bookish: You were notoriously cavalier with your health — was this all for show or were you genuinely curious about pushing the limits?
OO: Well, I was an addict, y’know? That’s what led to most of my crazy behavior — like the four bottles of cognac a day or whatever. What people don’t realize is that I’m also a hypochondriac. So the morning after all that crazy behavior, I’d always be straight down the doctor’s — as long as I hadn’t woken up in jail, which was pretty much an occupational fucking hazard during my drinking days.

Bookish: Can you tell us about the time you nearly got hit by a plane?
OO: It actually clipped my tour bus while I was asleep with Sharon in the back. That was honestly one of the worst days of my life ‘cos my great friend Randy Rhoads was killed, along with our wonderful hair-and-make-up lady, Rachel Youngblood. It happened nearly 30 years ago now.

Bookish: In your book, you have a chart called “How to Cure Anything” — which breaks down various ailments: the first question to ask yourself, the quick fix and what not to say to your doctor. But it didn’t cover some complaints of ours. Can you tell us how to handle these symptoms? Loss of hearing?
OO: First question: Did I spend the last 40 years with my head inside a speaker cabinet? Quick fix: swallow your pride and get a hearing aid.  It doesn’t matter what you say to your doc ‘cos you won’t hear the fucking answer.

Bookish: Difficulty swallowing?
OO: First question: Is there a bat in my mouth? Quick fix: Spit out the bat. Whatever you do, don’t tell the doc about the dove you ate earlier.

Bookish: Excessive perspiration?
OO: First question: Did I just hold up a bank? (If so, sweating is normal). Quick fix: Switch careers to something legal. What not to say to your doctor? Anything. Lawyer up instead.

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