99 Problems Only Harry Potter Fans Can Understand

99 Problems Only Harry Potter Fans Can Understand

It has been 17 years since Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone hit bookstores… and I’m still not over it. Seventeen years, seven books, and eight films later, I can’t shake the magic. If you find yourself in a similar situation, fear not, fellow muggle, we’ve got 99 Harry Potter problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

Massive series spoilers below.

99) Wishing you could read the series for the very first time

98) The epilogue

97) You refuse to give up hope for a Marauder’s era series

96) Having an entire bookcase devoted to the series because you keep buying new and foreign editions

95) There isn’t enough Butterbeer in the world to soothe your soul after Fred’s death

94) Every time you see an owl your heart leaps into your throat

93) But when it’s a snowy white owl, your heart cries instead

92) People are tired of you screaming, “I did my waiting! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!” when they tell you to wait

91) Or, “He was their friend, and he betrayed them. HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!” at the slightest sign of treachery

90) You have a love/hate relationship with J.K. Rowling’s shifting opinions about canon. But she’s still the Queen and you can’t pull away

89) When you roommates don’t want to participate in ABC Family’s Harry Potter Tuesdays

88) You can’t get over the irrational hero worship of the cast members, no matter how many other projects they do

87) Your boss doesn’t think spending time on Pottermore is productive

86) When you binge the films and can’t break out of the British accent

85) You find yourself drawn to creepy toilets, hoping to discover the Chamber of Secrets

84) Sometimes you cry when someone gives you socks because of #Dobbyfeels

83) The books don’t fit comfortably into your purse, but ebooks don’t smell like home and magic

82) You don’t think Ron Weasley gets the credit he deserves

81) Time is spent obsessively poring over DVD extras for any last bit of undiscovered magic

80) Lamenting the loss of fantastic book quotes when you watch the movies

79) Part of you really wants an official alternate universe storyline with Neville as the Chosen One

78) You’re still frustrated at the ridiculous nature of time travel in Prisoner of Azkaban

77) You cling to your original pronunciation of Her-my-oh-knee

76) Struggling to not spend your life savings on yearly pilgrimages to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter

75) You still whisper, “Lumos,” when turning on lights and, “Alohomora,” when opening doors… sometimes your significant other thinks this is weird and suggests you attend therapy (and you consider whispering, “Stupefy,” under your breath at them)

74) When things are said to be “the next Harry Potter,” you cry because there never will be one

73) People think you’re weird, not cool, when you write with a quill and ink

72) Wondering where to find purpose in your life once the series has ended. What’s there to count down until now? Inevitable death?

71) Remembering when Harry Potter merchandise was in stores everywhere, and the difficulty of finding it now (outside of the WWoHP)

70) The slightest pop culture reference to the series sends you over the edge with excitement

69) Part of you still wishes the last word had been “scar”

68) And you may have thought of at least 100 different ways that sentence could’ve been written

67) Having all of the  Potter Puppet Pals lines memorized because it feels like it’s part of the series

66) Hoping that the cast will eventually do a spoof of PPP, as previously discussed

65) Or the Doctor Who crossover!

64) Instead of becoming a writer with original ideas, you keep writing fanfiction

63) Pottermore didn’t sort you into the house you always thought you’d be in

62) Your significant other has yet to get onboard with your desire for a Harry Potter wedding

61) On your trip to London, your friends oddly didn’t want to take a tour of where the Leaky Cauldron, the Ministry, and Tom’s orphanage would’ve been

60) You waited three hours in line, only to take a picture of yourself happy-sobbing at King’s Cross station

59) Getting into ’ship wars with your friends over minor characters

58) People who think all Slytherins are evil

57) People who think all Hufflepuffs are useless

56) People who don’t even know what house they belong in #stupidfirstyears

55) The way your heart leaps into your throat at the mention of a reboot

54) The fact that a reboot is only, only acceptable if the former cast has a role. Emma Watson as McGonagall? #hellyes

53) When you watch Maid in Manhattan with friends and start screaming, “RUN JLO, RUN!” whenVoldemort Ralph Fiennes comes on screen

52) Still not being over the fact that you were the right age, but lived in the wrong country, when they held auditions for the films

51) People telling you that muggle Quidditch isn’t a real sport

50) You get weird looks when you and your friends loudly argue in a bar about Harry’s hero complex

49) Failing to find a Harry Potter cocktail recipe that tastes like the Butterbeer of your dreams

48) Being traumatized by the death of your favorite character (Killed by drapery? Really?)

47) Spending all of your time in the library trying to live up to Hermione Granger’s standards

46) When other books mention the series and you’re reminded of its legacy

45) Missing the excitement of midnight release parties

44) People who refuse to see Dumbledore’s faults

43) The inevitable disdain you have for non-magical jelly beans

42) The striking similarities between Draco and Harry, and seeing how differently Draco’s life turned out

41) The under-appreciation of Narcissa Malfoy and the sacrifices she made in the name of love and family

40) People thinking it’s odd that you have a favorite Weasley twin and can tell them apart

39) Not having wanted Arthur to die, but not wanting to lose Tonks and Remus either

38) Teddy never getting to know his parents

37) The look people give you when you say you want/have a Harry Potter tattoo

36) When people chalk the series up to a phenomenon without recognizing that growing up with these books shaped who you are

35) Wanting to have kids just to introduce them to the series

34) Never truly knowing what your Animagus or Patronus would be

33) The glaring absence of Peeves in the films

32) Even if they are from the WWoHP, Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes can’t live up to your imagination

31) Knowing a GIF is the closest you’ll get to magical moving pictures

30) When people say, “You still like Harry Potter?” and you whisper, “Always,” and they don’t get your brilliant inside joke. Plus now you’re accosted by #Snapefeels

29) Sending an angry text is nowhere near as satisfying as a Howler

28) Your fingers naturally flip to page 394 when opening a new book

27) Failing to put your dog Fluffy to sleep with soothing music

26) Your landlord won’t let you keep a Brazilian boa constrictor

25) Constantly wondering what you’d see in the Mirror of Erised

24) There are no Dementors to blame for your addiction to chocolate

23) Wanting to wander through the Forbidden Forest

22) Unlike Lucius Malfoy, your father doesn’t want to hear about this

21) Your local library doesn’t have a restricted section filled with books on the Dark Arts

20) Sinking back into your seat when you answer a question correctly and no points are awarded to Gryffindor

19) Food never magically refills the empty plates in your house

18) Wanting some Liquid Luck before all major life events

17) You’d also love a Time-Turner, but would settle a Remembrall just to have a magical object

16) Hoping your kids know more about “The Tale of the Three Brothers” than “Cinderella

15) Buying loose leaf tea but never managing to see the Grim, or much of anything, in your cup

14) You need a Room of Requirement on a daily basis

13) You kind of wish your house had a cupboard under the stairs

12) If it does, you’ve gotten weird looks for turning it into your reading nook

11) You have the compulsion to put “friendship and bravery” under skills on your resume

10) No nice trolley lady comes around with jelly slugs on your commute to work

9) Wanting to feel the freedom of flying on a hippogriff… or a broomstick… or motorcycle

8) Wondering how you’d fare in the Triwizard Tournament

7) Feeling protective over the Chudley Cannons (and no one understands how you have favorite fictional sports players)

6) You gravitate towards the snake exhibits at zoos, just in case your Parseltongue decides to no longer be dormant

5) So many magical places are hidden behind plain brick walls, and you’ve taken to poking odd looking bricks with sticks your wand, just in case

4) People buy you really nice birthday cakes, but all you want is sticky chocolate cake with green icing. Even if it was sat on at some point, it’ll taste all right

3) You want to cook all meals in a cauldron but can’t seem to find one at Target

2) No one else dresses in robes on November 1st to celebrate Harry’s first victory over Voldemort

1) You can’t seem to give up the hope that one day your acceptance letter will arrive and Hogwarts will finally welcome you home

Kelly Gallucci
Far too busy rereading the Harry Potter series, Kelly finds that her greatest literary sin is that she neglected to read classics like The Shining and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. In between overseeing the editorial content for Bookish, holding interviews with authors like Isaac Marion and Lauren Beukes, and creating book recommendations for Kanye West—Kelly’s trying to catch up on the books she missed out on. She just finished The Great Gatsby and might be in love with Fitzg. Kelly received her B.A. in English Writing from Marist College and her M.A. in Screenwriting from National University of Ireland, Galway.

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