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The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit

An A to Z Lexicon of Empty, Enraging, and Just Plain Stupid Office Talk

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eBook published by Crown Archetype (Crown Publishing Group)

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About This Book
This caustically funny Webster’s of the workplace cuts to the true meaning of the inane argot spouted in cubicles and conference rooms across the land.

At a price even an intern can afford and in a handy paperback format that won’t weigh down your messenger bag or briefcase, The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit is a hilarious guide to the smoke-screen terms and passive-aggressive phrases we traffic in every day. Each entry begins with a straight definition followed by a series of alternative meanings that are, of course, what is really meant.

Take, for example, the widely used, seemingly innocuous term brainstorming:

1. to generate ideas as a group in an accepting environment and in a free-form manner
2. a supposedly relaxed forum in which no idea is a bad idea – that is, until you generate a bad idea and are met with uncomfortable silence/looks that suggest you are retarded or really uncool/the feeling that you are about to be fired

Beyond deciphering corporate commonplaces, you’ll learn the PC term for secret Santa (Holiday Harry); why the Blackberry is “most commonly referred to as a ‘Crackberry’ due to its highly addictive nature”; and that when a co-worker says “Have a good night”, they really mean: “this meaningless, seemingly interminable exchange of small talk is now over. I am no longer speaking to you, and will now flee this awkward social situation. Don’t even think of asking which way I’m walking.”

Just remember to read this only at COB (close of business) to avoid being busted (caught idling by your boss).
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This caustically funny Webster’s of the workplace cuts to the true meaning of the inane argot spouted in cubicles and conference rooms across the land.

At a price even an intern can afford and in a handy paperback format that won’t weigh down your messenger bag or briefcase, The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit is a hilarious guide to the smoke-screen terms and passive-aggressive phrases we traffic in every day. Each entry begins with a straight definition followed by a series of alternative meanings that are, of course, what is really meant.

Take, for example, the widely used, seemingly innocuous term brainstorming:

1. to generate ideas as a group in an accepting environment and in a free-form manner
2. a supposedly relaxed forum in which no idea is a bad idea – that is, until you generate a bad idea and are met with uncomfortable silence/looks that suggest you are retarded or really uncool/the feeling that you are about to be fired

Beyond deciphering corporate commonplaces, you’ll learn the PC term for secret Santa (Holiday Harry); why the Blackberry is “most commonly referred to as a ‘Crackberry’ due to its highly addictive nature”; and that when a co-worker says “Have a good night”, they really mean: “this meaningless, seemingly interminable exchange of small talk is now over. I am no longer speaking to you, and will now flee this awkward social situation. Don’t even think of asking which way I’m walking.”

Just remember to read this only at COB (close of business) to avoid being busted (caught idling by your boss).
Product Details
eBook (224 pages)
Published: February 14, 2006
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Imprint: Crown Archetype
ISBN: 9780767923996
Other books byLois Beckwith
  • The Dictionary of High School B.S.

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    From Acne to Varsity, All the Funny, Lame, and...
    Broken down in handy A-to-Z fashion, this uncensored, sarcastic, and sharp-witted dictionary gives the lowdown on all of your favorite and not-so-favorite aspects of high school, from prom, hooking up, and graduation to acne, standardized tests, and school shrinks. At a price even a babysitter’s income can afford (and in a light paperback format that won't weigh down your backpack), The Dictionary of High School B.S. is an entertaining guide to the ridiculous rules, irritating people, and ongoing dramas that fill four of the most awkward, exciting, and downright confusing years of your life. Each entry begins with a straight definition followed by a series of humorous alternate meanings. For example: fund-raising (v) 1. the selling of all kinds of crap in order to subsidize a school activity or group, such as a class trip or the cheerleading squad. 2. carrying around a box of overpriced candy or a catalog for wrapping paper and begging people to buy stuff they don’t need. 3. in some cases, going door to door in one’s neighborhood, holding a car wash, or, if one gets desperate, putting up a lemonade stand. 4. asking parents to ask/force their friends and coworkers to fork over some money or, if they can’t be bothered to do that, just write a check themselves for that whole box of candy and eat it or throw it away. Of course, this dictionary probably won’t help you avoid all of the B.S. that comes with high school. But it might make it all a little easier to laugh at. Excerpt A acne (n) also known as zits. 1. facial eruptions that are simultaneously infuriating, fascinating, and gross. 2. a massive source of embarrassment, especially when the bumps are huge, red, and resistant to benzoyl peroxide and concealer, the latter of which just makes them worse and, ironically, more noticeable. 3. a personal affect that will leave your friends assuring you "It’s not that noticeable" before your big date, but they’re probably lying; everyone notices it, but they don’t care as much as you do. after school (n) 1. the time between your last class of the day and dinner. 2. an interim during which any number of things can happen, such as going to sports practice or school play rehearsal, studying, watching cable, eating junk food at a friend’s house, making out with your boyfriend or girlfriend while you’re supposed to be studying, updating your MySpace/Facebook page, or just hanging out. 3. an ominous threat, indicating your butt will be kicked at that time (as in "See you after school"). alcohol (n) 1. an intoxicating liquid in the form of beer, wine, or hard liquor such as gin, vodka, or rum. 2. a substance many kids consider an essential element of a good party and therefore go to great lengths to obtain, opting to either steal it from parents, ask an older sibling (or some random person on the street) to buy it for them, or attempt to purchase it with a fake ID. 3. the cause of countless teenagers getting wasted, hooking up, puking, doing something they will later regret, getting grounded, or all of the above. all-nighter (n) 1. the experience of staying up all night. 2. a frantic evening spent studying for an exam in a subject that one knows nothing about; includes the slamming down of Red Bull, coffee, and/or junk food while attempting (in vain) to read one’s handwriting from two months ago, desperately calling friends for help to understand obscure concepts, profiling the teacher in an effort to divine the material he or she will include on the test, and strategically skimming A Tale of Two Cities (or similar material). 3. alternate use: a night spent socializing — i.e., partying, watching movies, or playing video games— until one is so sleep deprived that he or she can’t see straight or is suffering the shakes. AP classes (n) abbreviation for advanced placement classes. 1. courses on subjects ranging from history to biology to the rarely spoken Latin that smart and/or ambitious kids take to earn college credits before even entering college. 2. classes that culminate with the dreaded AP tests, which are graded in a somewhat mysterious and maddening way, especially because they often include an essay component for which one earns a score of 1–5 — without ever really knowing why one got that score. 3. classes for which students are often promised college credit only to later find out that the college they selected won’t give credit for any of the AP courses they took. See also IB classes. assembly (n) 1. a convocation of the entire student body, usually in the school gym or auditorium. 2. an event, usually characterized by a zoo-like atmosphere with lots of yelling, flirting, and maybe even crowd surfing, that features the appearance of the principal and/or the discussion of something supposedly so important it requires everyone getting together in the same space; event may feature a talk about the rise in campus violence, a lecture on drunk driving, or a performance by a visiting African dance troupe. babysitting (v) 1. watching other people’s kids for money; involves two phases: the part when the kids are awake and one can’t channel surf, watch cable, call friends, or raid the parents’ fridge, and the part when the kids are asleep and one can do pretty much whatever as long as no evidence is left behind. 2. employing a great excuse to not do homework while still positioning oneself as a responsible person and making some cash. 3. for older siblings, doing an annoying task for no pay and, frustratingly, at the expense of one’s social life. backpack (n) 1. a container for all of your crap. 2. a kind of geeky, and sometimes painfully heavy, appendage that people often try to make cooler by posing with it over one shoulder. 3. a place with "secret" inside pockets, in which one may try to hide things from nosy parents. back-to-school shopping (v) 1. purchasing tons of stuff, from school supplies to new clothes, in preparation for the coming school year. (n) 2. a carefully orchestrated marketing scheme by the industries that stand to make a buck off of the idea that students need all new stuff every September. 3. a shopping season that can start as early as July, when no one should even be thinking about school. 4. a chance to score some cool new clothes on Dad’s dime and assemble the perfect portfolio of color-coordinated folders, notebooks, and binders, which will only get trashed days later. band (n) rock: 1. a group of people who play instruments and sing, typically in a somewhat public forum. 2. a musical group formed by people with sometimes little musical talent, as the point of being in a band is not always to play music, but often to simply say that one is in a band. 3. for guys, a group to join to potentially get more action; for girls, a group to join in order to wear cute clothes on stage and seem kind of badass. school: 1. a school-sanctioned group made up of players of trumpets, flutes, clarinets, drums, and other instruments. 2. the anticool version of a rock band in which one is required to actually practice one’s instrument, participate in painful, frequently off-key fall and spring concerts, and don geeky wool uniforms on 90-degree days for the purpose of marching in a local parade. 3. a channel through which one may get to play in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, if one’s band is really good (although this may also require dreaded fundraising). baseball hat guys (n) 1. boys who have baseball caps seemingly glued to their heads; the hats scream the name of a university and/or sports team (e.g., UCLA lacrosse, UVM coed naked beer pong) and their bills have been aggressively folded. 2. popular party dudes or jocks who react with exasperation when teachers ask that the hats be removed during class. bases (n) 1. a sports inspired metaphor for the progressive stages of intimate relations between people: "first" is French kissing, "second" is groping above the waist, "third" is getting your hand down someone’s pants, and "home run" really needs no explanation, does it? 2. a sexual innuendo (probably invented by a totally insensitive jock) that is so old that even most parents and grandparents know what it means. See also hooking up, making out, and sex. bathroom (n) 1. the place where one goes to do one’s business. 2. the locale for applying makeup, gossiping, and providing cover when cutting class, crying, or smoking. 3. a prime location for fights . . . the home of the grossest soap and scratchiest paper towels around . . . a canvas for the most inspired and revealing graffiti anywhere in the school. bell (n) 1. an alarming, loud, and shrill noise used to signal the beginning and end of class periods. 2. a sound of liberation when it identifies the end of class, but a sound of dread when it identifies the beginning (specifically if one is running late to class, or not en route at all). best friend (n) 1. one’s closest companion with whom one does and shares everything. 2. one-half of a pair of friends who’ve become merged in people’s minds, as the two are never seen apart (e.g., Jackie and Suzie are also known as Jackuzie). 3. a favorite companion who can stir feelings of anxiety and possessiveness if that companion is the type who believes a person can really have only one best friend (after all, either you’re the best or you’re not, right?). 4. sometimes someone of the opposite gender for which one needs to constantly suffer other people’s "When are you going to just go out already?" comments. 5. a person one may never speak to again if he or she hooks up with one’s longtime crush or befriends a mutually despised clique. biology class (n) 1. the place where the most entertaining science is taught. 2. a class that includes the dissection of frogs and the study of human anatomy, as well as the potential diseases and disorders that could develop if said human anatomy does not function properly. 3. a class that involves working with a lab partner, who may be a best friend or a major crush (making biology really fun but not very useful) or some random annoying person (making the class complete torture)."

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