We at Bookish don't do reviews (though we do like to round them up to save you time). So, we asked the editors of The Onion (whose "The Onion Book of Known Knowledge" promises to prevent "the sting of eternal ignorance") to critique some popular books for us. You'll never look at these recent bestsellers and historic classics the same way again.
"E L James has produced an undeniably helpful how-to book for the sexual-intercourse novice. This practical read features easy-to-grasp introductory lessons on strangulation, riding crop technique, the insertion of Ben Wa balls and much, much more beginner material.”
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"Sun Tzu's timeless strategic treatise on military tactics is just as valuable for today's a**holes as it was for the a**holes of yore."
“If ever there was a helpful guide to navigating the pitfalls of the online dating world, this book isn’t it, but I’d be really interested in reading a book about that.”
"Meyer's vampire romance novel is engaging, but leaves readers longing to see even one of the central characters transform into a little bat and then fly out a window.”
"This mesmerizing romantic story about high school students Bella and Edward will certainly have you craving giant vampire c*ck."
"F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic tale of post-WWI ennui that features the catchphrase, 'In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since,' a line which is repeated 312 times throughout the novel."
"F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel is renowned for having characters, figurative language, plot, themes, symbols, and 'point of view and was the first book to win the 'Great American Novel' and "Literary Classic' awards three years in a row."
Check out our next installment, in which The Onion reviews "The Hunger Games," "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and more.
In a history spanning 22 years, seven popular books and 19 Webby Awards, The Onion has attracted legions of loyal fans drawn to its fearless reporting and scathing commentary on world events, human behavior and journalistic convention.