'Game of Thrones' Recap: Dear Jon Snow
By the time you get this letter, I will be gone. Well not really gone, you aren't a real person and we will never meet in real life, but metaphorically gone and therefore ending our once-beautiful relationship.
I won't sugar coat this. It's not me--it's you. The smoldering, yet sensitive young man I fell for in George R.R. Martin's "A Game of Thrones" is not the man you are today. In fact, it feels like I don't even know you anymore.
I could accept your decision to leave your home for the Wall. It was difficult, but I understood your choice to give up all of your possessions and your chance at ever having a wife or family. You were mad at your dad and had major "Are You My Mother?" issues. I get it. It seemed like a good fit for someone so honorable.
Now look at you. Running around beyond The Wall. Hanging out with wildlings. Changing your cloak. Kneeling before Mance Rayder and his goons! I know that the Old Bear and Halfhand told you to do what it takes to get in their good graces, but c'mon man! Look in the mirror. You have no plan. You're stuck. Your core values are coming in to question. I just can't be with someone like that.
Don't even get me started on your flirtations with Ygritte, the wildling woman. Fine. I'll admit that she's adorable and pretty badass and way more (ahem) experienced than you. But do you really want to be batting your lashes at a woman who almost killed you? Or who is constantly reminding you how little you know about anything at all? Think about it.
Some of us (I meaning me) would never try to kill you, or turn you over to our King-Beyond-the-Wall so that he can do Gods know what. Some of us are loyal. Do a gut check. Can you say the same?
I'm moving on, Jon. I've found someone new. Sure, his past is checkered with bad decisions and the rest of his family is basically the definition of evil incarnate, but he's down on his luck. Like you, he has daddy issues, but he's smart. Right now, he needs me.
Please don't come after me. Though, you know where I will be for the next dozen or so Sunday nights. On my couch, watching "Game of Thrones," and trying to figure out how to ship a carton of 5-Hour Energy to George R.R. Martin so he can hurry up and finish book six. And when you're ready, I have a nice girl I'd like you to meet. She's a widow who lives pretty far away, but she has stunning hair and some awesome pets. I think you will like her a lot.