'Fifty Shades of Graze' and Other Diets from Literature
Tragedy, romance and artistic vision aside, we can see how some of our best-known works of literature—both classic and contemporary—offer their own unique tips on slimming down. The editors at Bookish have put together a sampling of weight loss advice courtesy of the Western canon, and believe you us: Jillian Michaels ain't got nothin' on James Joyce.
Also known as the "Bertha Mason" after the name of Rochester's crazy spouse, this diet consists of locking yourself in an attic for years. As long as there isn't a well-stocked fridge up there with you, you'll be fitting into those hoop dresses and starched corsets in no time. (Not recommended for pyromaniacs.)
Casi-No Royale with Cheese
Why don't French secret agents get fat? Because they avoid the Pulp Fictional McDonald's Royale with Cheese, that's why. Why do you think James Bond is so super fit? He'd never be seen dead with a quarter pounder in his hand--he keeps his hands free for pens that shoot bullets and for cute starlets who may or may not be out to kill him.
Pride and Prune Juice
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of regular bowel movements. Using techniques made popular in 19th-century England, this diet offers a no-holds-barred approach to setting your system straight and cleaning out your colon.
How to Eat Burnt Bread: A Guide to Foraging for Your Family
Our theory is simple--you can only eat what you hunt and gather on your own (mind the poisonous berries!). Sound boring? Think again: Every year we will tempt you with a feat of massive proportions, but if you want to cheat on your diet, you better be ready to fight for that cupcake. Even busy families can practice our technique of portion control and rationing as they motivate each other to stay thin, fit and above all...alive.
The Calorie Count of Monte Cristo
Having trouble controlling your cravings? Need some discipline in your diet? With The Calorie Count of Monte Cristo Challenge you'll be dropping pounds in no time: Participants are locked in a dirt-floored cell on the opposite side of which is dinner. Get a workout with the special CCMCC spoon you'll use to dig your way to your reward.
Put on muscle and steel your resolve with the True Grits diet. Even if you're "no bigger than a corn nubbin," you'll soon be setting injustices to right with this easy-to-follow, grits-only diet. (Side effects: be prepared to warn your colleagues that "the jakes is occupied.")
James and the Tiny Peach
While a wild journey aboard a giant floating peach might sound like a lot of fun, one has to wonder how that sugar overload is going to feel once your energy levels crash and the fructose begins metabolizing into fat. This down-to-earth diet beckons daydreamer types to replace their wayward fantasies with healthier snack choices and more moderately sized portions. Remember, no feat of childhood imagination looks as good as skinny feels.
The Interpretation of Cremes
Are you ready to give up all things cream, but finding it difficult? A look at the psychological underpinnings of your fixation will kill your cravings in no time. Turns out your love of cake frosting is actually about sex. And your ice cream habit is about sex, too. Whipped cream on your latte: sex. But that Krispy Kreme donut you treat yourself to once a week? That's totally about your mother.
On the Origin of Reese's
This revolutionary manifesto will shock those who believe that the popular candy was put on Earth by God and will make you think twice before ingesting another. Drawing from his field observations of chocolate and peanut butter on the Galapagos Islands, the author argues that Reese's candies evolved over time—with the help of artificial ingredients and factory production—to adapt to the palates of sugar-addicted Americans.
Fifty Shades of Graze
Sign binding contract with sexy, megalomaniacal millionaire who'll govern every morsel you ingest. Never finish a meal because you're too busy DTD.
15 Pounds Gone, Girl
Marriage can be stressful. And we all know what stress does for the figure! This book is packed with suggestions for surefire appetite killers like relocating to a place that makes you miserable, battling your spouse over whether or not to have a child and cutting yourself to yield strategically placed blood spatters. Come for the get-slim secrets that are subterfuge and generally being a complete b*tch to everyone who cares about you. Worry about who'll be around to notice you've shed three dress sizes later.
You-lysses: The Diet
"I was looking at the cupcake no I said but the icing melted and he was nowhere in sight so I licked it off but no it was not my intention even though my fingertips were sticky with it and jimmies cascaded around me still no but I told myself I would just smell it no I didn't mean to smear it on my nose who will be there to lick it off so I did but no there should not be any further consumption but there is always consumption so no I will not share it no I will not waste it no I will not throw it away I said no I will not no."